Forgiven

About 2 weeks ago I had a nightmare in the nightmare I was in the shower as I was showering a vivid “memory” popped in my head and I started to relive the memory there in the shower. I had some wire cutters and I began to remove my fingers one by one the whole time I could hear this voice telling me “see, you don’t care about your Temple. you don’t care about your body. see, you just keeping cutting off chunks” I just sat there and sobbed watching the blood and tears mix with the water swirling down the drain. Then I was told to “get up” by another voice, God’s voice. when I looked down all the pieces I severed off were back on my hand, as if nothing happened. I jumped out and I ran to the mirror and I began talking into mirror at the devil disguised as me. “I am not worthless. I unlike you…. I have a father who is wooing me” and then said “you satan, you are …….” and then I couldn’t say anything I froze up. Kind of like I was being smothered. I heard Him roaring and screaming in a demonic other wordly tone . I awoke to myself barely pushing out the words “damned to hell”. I quickly thanked God and asked for his peace. Immediately God put his hand on me and lulled me back to sleep.

This “memory” never happened in real life but it felt real. Actually it still resonates in my mind and I ask myself did that really happen. The devil used my weakness and my guilt for cutting myself to make me feel worthless. So I am going to use this as something uplifting. Yeah, I used to cut myself and I feel bad about it. Honestly I would never want anyone to be subjected to that pain like that. I used that instead of talking about my pain. I used it because the devil had me believe that since I was Gay I was worthless.

I cut my self every night for two years those nights were the worst times of my life I was so lost because the devil told me the bible condemned me because I was gay. “What you did” he would tell me “isn’t forgivable”. My first gay experience I tried to kill myself and the other boy. The devil whispered in my ear “do it you both were wrong do it”. I believe God held me back that day. I later turned to drugs and finally to another religion where I forgot about God. All how the devil planned it.

The thing is though God has me now, he says “Roman, I love you, I know where you were I know the things you’ve done and I still love you. The drugs, the cutting, the religions, the vulgarity, the sexuality, were never who you were meant to be. Those things were never your identity. I am your Identity. Lean on me and forget your past. That was never what you were meant to be. Be who you are meant to be, in me.”